The fault is not in our stars but in ourselves
by laurenathalasa
Summary: When Simon becomes very sick one weekend who knows what will happen, apart from his youtube channel and his lovely boyfriend, what else can he lose? AU Simon x Baz SnowBaz
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys so I'm kind of in a bad place right now, hence why my updates on both here and YouTube have slowed down, so I'm sorry. My best friend in the whole world just told me he's thinking about suicide, that he'd already be dead if it wasn't for me and I just broke down last night. Everything is just getting to be too much, friends shutting me out and making me feel pretty bad about myself, to struggling with work at school and out of it right down to problems at home.**

 **It's getting me down a lot, and I just wanted to tell you guys that I love you all, each and every one of you- even if you are a cannibal or something- and to remind you of something one of my friends said that's really helped me.**

 **It's a bad day, not a bad life.**

 **So read, review, enjoy, fangirl. And here's to the good days. My new SnowBaz fic people, and be ready for tears.**

 **Simon POV**

To say Simon felt terrible would be the understatement of the century. In the whole of the apartment he had shared with Baz, he had spent most of the past week in the bathroom. They were lucky, Baz's parents had died when he was quite young, leaving all they had to Baz and his two sisters, but it was more than enough for them to live more than comfortably. Baz liked to work as a writer in his spare time, writing snarky characters and books about magic, wizards and vampires. It went hand in hand with Simon's love of making short films and taking photos, as Simon was very good at posting fanart of Baz's works on tumblr. They had never been better. Baz also played the piano astoundingly well, and it played well off of Simon's talent on the guitar and- as Baz told him- his talent with his own voice.

Baz had wanted to push Simon into becoming a singer one day, even despite Baz's snarky comments about it, but Simon wouldn't let him do it. He didn't like a crowd and certainly didn't want one, especially for something he was sure he was awful at.

So then came the compromise.

A YouTube channel, named, TheMage'sHeir where Simon posted short films he had made, covers, and just typical vlogs. It was pretty popular, 600,000 subscribers or so, and it made Simon immensely happy. He felt like it was somewhere he could be himself.

But, not this past week. He couldn't leave the bathroom. Baz had a meeting with a publisher in California, and had headed there for the week, leaving Simon to suffer through whatever he had alone. He would constantly be vomiting for quite a lot of the week, and would be so breathless by the end of it that he couldn't move.

It wasn't that he couldn't breathe, it was the fact that he felt like he couldn't. The idea that you weren't getting air was a lot more scary than actually not getting any. By the end of the week, Simon was more than glad that Baz was coming home. He had barely eaten, and more importantly, he really just needed Baz. Inexplicably just needed him, but then, he guessed, didn't everyone need loved ones when they were sick?

Simon had been asleep when Baz came home. He was awoken for the first time in a week, nicely, with Baz pressing a kiss to his forehead. Simon awoke slowly, looking at where the ceiling would have been if Baz's head wasn't in the way that is.

"Hello Snow." Said Baz, grinning. Simon grinned back, and Baz all but fell into bed, stretching out, clearly stiff from the plane ride and then the taxi ride afterwards, Baz had naturally long limbs anyway. Well... Simon thought Baz took something when he was a little younger, but that was beside the point.

"Hey Baz." Replied Simon, yawning, and then wincing as his shoulder and chest groaned in protest.

Baz noticed and frowned. Why was he so damn observant?

"Are you alright?" He asked. Simon hesitated, but then his stomach answered for him, and he ran to the bathroom, where here was a nasty development. Instead of throwing up the usual bile or food that rose up out of his throat, there was blood in the sink (the closest point to get to).

Baz waited patiently until he was done, not looking at all fazed.

"I'll take that as a no then." Simon just groaned in response, wiping his face with the towel Baz had just handed to him, leaning against the wall.

"By Crowley." Baz sighed, using a phrase from one of his books. "How long have you been like this?"

"Pretty much since you left." Simon answered honestly. Baz ran a hand through his hair.

"Do you still feel bad?" Baz asked, turning all soft spoken and sweet, running his hands through Simon's hair slowly.

"I'm fine." Simon whispered, but he felt his breath getting short again, and feeling himself getting light-headed. He was starting to list sideways unknowingly.

"Simon Snow!" Baz shouted, slapping him lightly in the face to wake him up.

"Hm...?"

"Come on, hospital, now." Baz demanded, and when Simon wouldn't move, Simon heard him starting to panic, the worry coming off of him in waves. After a few minutes passed of Simo still not getting up, calling and ambulance before picking Simon up and running out the door.

Then Simon went out like a light, the air in his lungs running out.

Finally the darkness swallowed him.

A/N: Hi guys, I hope you're all alright, and if you're not I'm free to talk any time. Love you all.


	2. Chapter 2-Bestseller

**A/N: Hey guys so I hope I haven't lost you all whilst I drafted out this story, all of my reviewers seem to be on vacation or something. Look guys, I think you pretty much all know by now that I'm not in a good place. I'm just breaking down, honestly, and it's so goddamn frustrating, especially since you guys are suffering for it, so I'm sorry.**

 **Simon POV**

When Simon woke up it took him a moment to remember what had happened. How he had blacked out. It also took him a moment to realise that there was a tube sticking out of his hand.

 _Now that's a little weird..._ He thought drowsily. _I don't remember putting that there..._ He stared at the tube for a little while, then went back to looking around the room. It was clear he was in a private hospital room, no doubt a perk of being Baz's boyfriend, and the oxygen mask that was helping him breathe was also partly obscuring his vision, so there was no looking straight forwards. He tried to sit up then, before realising there was someone else in the room with him, holding his shoulders so he couldn't get up. They were strong.

"Snow? Are you with me?" Asked a voice he was sure he knew better than his own.

Another figure walked into the room then. He could see her better, as she was on his right side. Blonde hair, green eyes, a kind face. He made these connections as she took the oxygen mask from him.

He immediately felt the loss, but tried not to show it, feeling that it might mean he would have to stay in the musky smelling hospital for a longer time. The nurse asked him a few questions, wrote some stuff down, exchanged a few looks at Baz, and then left the two of them in peace. Baz moved from where he was standing to pulling up a chair and taking Simon's hand within seconds.

"So how are you really feeling?" He started, obviously having picked up on Simon's obvious lies to the nurse. Well, obvious to the people who really knew Simon.

"I'm ok, a little disorientated, but I don't feel sick, thank Crowley." He said.

Baz said nothing.

And it was then that he got the idea that something was wrong. Why, you ask? Because Baz never, ever lets the opportunity to make a sarcastic comment slip by him. Not like he had just done thirty seconds ago.

"Baz? Are _you_ alright?" I asked, and Baz just shook his head. He opened his mouth as if to say something when the door was flung open by a tall man with greyish hair who was clearly the doctor, and he remained silent.

The doctor came to stand by his bedside, which took all but 4 steps from the door.

"So Mr Snow... It seems I've ended up with the unfortunate task of breaking the news to you."

"What news?" Asked Simon, sitting up slowly.

The doctor sighed. "You have lung cancer. I'm very sorry..." He said, and he genuinely did look sorry, but Simon didn't really hear him. It didn't really compute, it was too big a concept.

Cancer.

He just nodded not knowing what to say.

"Look I know it can be a lot to take in-"

"How long?" Simon asked, interrupting him.

And then the doctor looked even more pained.

"That depends. If we can remove the cancerous tissues and replace them with someone else's donation then you'll be fine."

"And if not?" Simon demanded, not willing to know any less than Baz did.

"6 months." The doctor told him, "Usually." He added.

Simon just sat in silence until the doctor left, and it was after he left that everything went to hell. He closed his eyes, and then heard a noise. Sniffling, and opened his eyes again, and looked around, and realised, that Baz was crying. Basilton Pitch, was crying.

Simon stared at him like he'd grown 6 heads.

"What are you doing?" He asked, like an idiot. Baz laughed through his tears, which only made him cry harder, leaning against a wall as he had been when the doctor had left.

"What does it look like Simon? I'm crying that's what!"

"But you never cry." Simon said.

And then Baz did something quite unexpected. He walked across the room with purpose, leaned down, and kissed Simon senseless, his arms on either side of Simon's head. Simon felt Baz's tears fall onto his face.

"I can't lose you... I can't I can't... My Mage's heir... I can't..." He whispered, and Simon realised, for the first time, Baz was human. He could be broken, and Simon had done it. He had broken Ba so irreversibly in a single day.

One minute they were the happiest people on the planet, and now... Now this had happened.

"You'll never lose me." Whispered Simon.

Xxx

Simon was discharged a few days later, after he had been given about a million and a half pills to take, and was now sitting at home staring into the camera.

And he had no idea what to say.

He had never really even come out to his subscribers, thinking he had loads of time and now... Now he had no time at all. So he just sat down and said what he was thinking.

 _Hey guys... So, I'm sorry I've been gone. And no it's not because I actually have a life that's not on here, I've just been horribly sick for the past week. I was horribly sick, alone, in my flat, while my roommate Baz, was away at some meeting about his next book which I know a load of you are excited about. But anyway, he came home, and I pretty much passed out on him, and gave him a heart attack so I went to the hospital, after he called 999 or carried me there I don't know._

 _The next thing I know is waking up to him at my bedside, doctors and nurses asking me how I was feeling, having to lie to them a lot and then..._

 _Then this serious business looking doctor comes in, and takes the oh-so-far- four steps to my bedside..._

 _And tells me I have cancer._

 _Yeah, I know. It sucks. But I don't want you all to worry, I'm feeling ok. But, I have 6 months, if they can't cure me._

 _And I have done nothing with my life._

 _So I just... I want to do something with my life before I... Before I go._

 _So, next week I'll be publishing a video with something you all should know, but before that, I've decide what I want to do, and that involves my roommate Baz._

 _He'll be writing a book very soon as well as the sequel that you're all waiting for, and it will be the story of our lives, and even if you've seen every one of these videos, you won't know any of what it's in it._

 _Now, here's where it gets interesting. I'm asking every single one of you to make a video response to this video, tell your fans, tell your friends, tell tumblr, twitter, everyone. Because this book won't just be written by Baz. I want each and every single one of you involved, whether you want to contribute to the cover, or with the writing or the marketing, I'm inviting all of you to the biggest planning conference ever in Hyde Park, which is located in London. You can't miss it. And I would absolutely love it if you guys could get this book to be a bestseller. Because, if nothing else, I want to give Baz the best start in a new life without me._

 _So, that's it for now, thanks guys._

 _I love you all._


	3. Chapter 3-Just to spite me

**A/N: So. I'm back I guess. I feel obliged to tell you that the inspiration for this fic came from my own YouTube channel. I've been struggling for a while now with a lot of things, and I guess I just wanted to do something to make others happy. That's why the majority of my videos are made to gain publicity for people's fics, tumblr's, twitters, etc. If you know any fics that you think should be more public than they are, then leave it in your review or PM me and I promise to check them out, even if they're your own.**

 **Thank you for reading. Reviews mean more than you know. Thanks guys. Please don't cry.**

 **Baz POV**

To say they were surprised by the reaction to Simon's video was an understatement. Simon was overwhelmed. Within a few days his fans were doing exactly what he asked of them. Tumblr and Twitter especially had gone _nuts_ as usual, facebook was annoying as hell so it didn't really give a damn, but the two boys didn't care.

This was already more than enough.

However there was still one more obstacle to overcome, and it involved opening a closet. Ever since Simon had announced that there were tissues inside him slowly killing him and that he wanted to have done something with his life before he... went, fans had been speculating as to what the video might be about. A few had guessed it, and Baz had quietly sent those that were publicising it a quick email telling them to kindly be less shouty about it. What was the point in coming out if people already knew you were gay anyway?

They had been planning to film the video together, but as it turned out, Simon had been called to go and see his parents for a few days out of town, leaving Baz alone in the flat with virtually nothing to do. He had asked his twitter followers to entertain him. It was sad really. Did it _have_ to be valentine's day when Simon's parents wanted him back home? It was so sad! And lonely, he added, rolling his eyes at himself.

 **BazPitch: Quick! Ask me a question!**

 **EmmaLovesMages: Um... Where's Simon?**

 **BazPitch: Wow I'm flattered. Thank you Emma.**

 **LlamaLover48: How was your day?**

 **BazPitch: Pretty good thanks, though I have literally nothing to do so I'm just sort of sitting around twiddling my thumbs.**

 **PhanGirl: How's the book coming along?**

 **BazPitch: Well that depends which one you mean. *smirks***

 **PhanGirl: BOTH *smirks evilly***

 **BazPitch: Well, the Crowley series finale should be done by the end of this year. It's mostly written but of course with Simon's set back I haven't been too focused on it. And after I'm done it has to go through a TON of editing.**

 **PhanGirl: Sorry for mentioning it. : (**

 **BazPitch: ...I don't know how to respond to that.**

 **221bgirl: Alright Sherlock, calm down.**

 **BazPitch: Of course YOU would make the Sherlock connection.**

And it continued like that for some time, but eventually Baz got bored and soon only the Australian fans were awake, so he bid them goodnight and shut down his laptop.

Looking around he was surprised to see that Simon had left his camera on the coffee table, he usually took it with him when he went anywhere, but then his parents did have very limited wi-fi, it had to be said.

Baz looked around the flat. Taking the plastic bag of Simon's pills in one hand (stuffing his phone in his jeans pocket as he did so) and taking the camera in the other, he headed upstairs and sat on their shared bed, cleaning it up a little and placing Simon's pills neatly in the bathroom before he got ready for bed. It was quite late and he was just checking the time on his phone and plugging it in to charge when a push notification for Simon's channel flashed on screen. That never happened, push notifications were useless, but this time it had worked, and Baz was glad as he read the video's name:

 **TO BAZ**

 _Hi Baz. Happy Valentine's Day._

 _I know you said we weren't going to do anything for Valentine's Day, but I had to go visit my parents, leaving you for five hours still left alone till I come back with nothing to do. So, I have made this video, because I love you, and I've never had a Valentine's Day with anyone before. So, this is me saying, "I love you." Plus, you got me loads of awesome birthday presents and I wanted to repay you, somehow, because it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me._

 _The first time we met, I was the nervous-est person ever, as you could tell, and I was clawing at you, and biting you, but that was just because I really liked you, and luckily you saw through that. And then, when we were on the big wheel, I was like, "I really hope he likes me too." And then you kissed me, and my heart did that flippy-over thing, and, it'd never done that before, so… that was nice._

 _And over the next few months we saw each other a lot and I slowly fell in love with you. And I just thought I'd share some of my favourite memories that I have of us together._

 _So the first one is on the snowiest day ever, when we were walking through the abandoned hospital. And you had your hat on, and you lay down in the snow, and looked at the stars. And I lay next to you, and kissed you, and wrote "I love Basilton Pitch" in the snow._

 _Endless coffee in Starbucks, caramel macchiato, and our Starbucks sofa…_

 _The week we spent together in my house was amazing, I think that's when I properly fell in love with you. And when we watched Wall-E on my sofa, and then cried. All the cuddles in bed, and three-hour breakfasts, more of those please. Lying on the sofa and watching films, and lying in my bed, and funny times in my bed._

Simon blushed.

 _Also at the Halloween gathering when we realized that no other YouTubers actually eat, so we went and got some food and then sat on the fountain. At that point, I kind of realized that I didn't really care about the other YouTubers, I just wanted to be spending time with you. And we held hands, and then kissed, and looked at the stars._

 _And when we can't be together, all the hundreds of hours of Skype calls that we've had have made me eight million times happier._

 _And when I woke you up and said, "By Crowley!"_

 _And all our Manchester days, and watching Avatar in 3D, and kissing in 3D glasses, and…_

 _So many other things, that I'm probably forgetting, but those are just a few that make me smile._

 _He stared off, looking very far away for a moment. He was clearly at it longer than was shown in the video, judging by the editing._

 _And I just wanna say that I love you so much, and I'm so happy to have you in my life, and… you are the best person in the world. So thank you, for being so amazing._

 _I love you._

 _Happy Valentine's Day, Baz._

"Oh my gods." Baz whispered into the nothingness.

"Oh my gods. Oh my gods Oh my gods Oh my gods. You _did_ it."

Sleep went out the window then. How many of the fans would have seen it? Oh gods at least a 6th, though the majority would still be asleep, what if Simon had meant the video to be private? Oh gods...

He pressed the one on his emergency call list and his iphone automatically began calling Simon's number.

He picked up on the second ring.

"Hey Baz. What's up?" Simon asked, his voice raspy like he'd just woken up. Baz heard him cough slightly, and the rustling of sheets as he-probably- sat up.

"I saw your video." He said. There was no reply at first. Simon didn't seem especially surprised.

"...Ok." Simon replied.

Judging by Simon's reaction, he had probably meant it to be public, Baz thought to himself and realised that he had acted like a stupid worried teenager. He rolled his eyes at himself. Of course, _of course_ he had meant it to be public.

"You know I meant it to be public right?"

 _I do now._

"Yeah of course I did Snow. Don't be ridiculous. I just wanted to say thank you." He said, lost for a recovery. He could hear Simon's quiet laughter down the phone.

 _So even he doesn't believe me._ He thought. Sighing in exasperation, but a small laugh escaped him nevertheless.

"You're such an idiot." Simon said.

Baz _grinned_ like an idiot.

"See you in 5 hours snow." He said, and hung up.

Xxx

Simon's parents apparently offered to drive him straight to the conference in hyde park, but he had refused, telling them to drop him to his and Baz's apartment. By the time he arrived, he felt tired, breathless and gross. After talking with Baz for about half an hour he excused himself for a shower, and Baz was once again left alone, but he didn't mind. He had a hell of an awesome fanbase to reassure.

He checked the comments of the video first.

 **TO BAZ**

 **Comments:**

 **SnowBaz4ever: OMG OMG OMG IS THIS REAL? SRSLY?**

 **BazPitch: Yes it is. :D**

 **GetAGrip: This is so cool! I hope the fact that this video's out hasn't hurt your relationship at all...? :/**

 **BazPitch: No of course not. We're very happy.**

Twitter was just... nuts. He didn't even want to go there. When you were almost top trending, there were too many tweets to comprehend.

He leaned back in his chair and grinned. He hadn't been this happy in a long time, and for once, he wasn't at all sarcastic about it.

XXX

By the time Simon emerged from the shower Baz had packed-he thought- everything they needed, including the phone chargers (thank the gods) and they got in the car ready to go.

Baz had to drive. Simon wasn't allowed.

Luckily Hyde Park wasn't far, and their hotel (The London Star) was located directly behind the park, which was about 2 minutes from the stage where all the announcements were being held.

They checked in quickly, changed clothes into something a little smarter and more presentable, and headed into the park.

Baz was deaf before they were even _close_ to the stage.

One thing Baz noticed with chilling clarity was how badly Simon was coping with the crowds. Usually he coped quite well, stopping-much to Baz's chagrin- every few minutes to speak with someone. Today however, despite the smiles and the laughs and the shouts over his shoulder it was _very_ clear to Baz that Simon couldn't wait to get out of the crowds.

Taking Simon's hand- which earned them even more screaming- he started to pull Simon close behind him, trying to get him out of the crowds and backstage as quickly as possible.

They got there in record time, and Simon slumped against Baz, filled with shame as he breathed shakily into Baz's shoulder.

"Are you alright? We can stop now, you can try again tomorrow, we've got time." Simon shook his head, though it still rested on Baz's shoulder.

"That's the one thing we don't have; time. I'll be fine. I need a mike though." He said, standing by himself again and grinning.

Baz hesitated, but decided to go and get Simon a mike. What was the worst that could happen? If Simon said he could do it, he could do it.

But even as he thought it, he doubted.

He handed the metal/plastic microphone to the cancerous boy wordlessly, and stepped back, letting Simon take the stage on his own.

"Hello people!" Started Simon, waving like he would in one of his videos. The crowd waved back but was now-weirdly- deathly quiet.

"So we all know why we're here, and I'll be talking to each and every one of you over the next week or however long this takes to put this book together. I know I don't um... have too long, but I'd really like to get this done before..." He cleared his throat, looking back at Baz for a second. "Before I go."

There were screams of appreciation.

Someone cried.

"But look, this is also supposed to be a happy thing guys so-" A cough, a slight gasp for air, the mage's heir struggled to get a hold of himself, yet still forced more words out.

 _Oh gods this is possibly the worst idea you've ever followed through with did you let him do this?_

"Sorry about that, anyways, Baz here and I will also be holding several panels here, and will be answering you questions so stay tuned for that." And he dropped the mike.

Swayed slightly on his feet.

 _No no no no no don't faint don't faint don't faint._

And hitched backwards.

 _Goddamn it._

"Simon!" Baz shouted, rushing forward and grabbing him quickly before he could hit the ground.

"Simon Simon Simon? You idiot what were you thinking? You just hadto spite me didn't you? What did I say, I said don't faint and what do you do? Hey!? Can you hear me? Simon? SIMON?!"

 _Oh gods you son of a... Oh gods._


	4. Chapter 4- Sit at a computer and bleed

**A/N: Hey.. I um.. I didn't realise anyone was reading this. I'm sorry I've just disappeared from this story but um... The whole thing is like a massive trigger. It's like writing words which replay this symphony of pain but I don't want to stop. So I have to keep going, for you at least. You don't think about writing. You just sit at your computer and bleed.**

 **Thank you for your support. I know it's short, but I just wanted to say thank you.**

* * *

Baz paced up and down the hotel corridor for what had to have been the hundredth time. It was hard to breathe, and Baz feared that if he stopped moving he wouldn't ever move again. Eventually he forced himself to sit down on the cold floor of the corridor, deciding that he had to check social media and assure fans that everything was alright.

The internet was going crazy, everyone was being so lovely and concerned and Baz had to stop himself from letting out a sob. It was all too much- Simon didn't deserve this.

The day passed in a blur until eventually it was dark. He didn't know how long he was staring at the floor but eventually he felt two hands on his shoulders, and for a second he allowed himself to believe it was Simon, his warmth and blonde hair folding over him.

But of course it wasn't. Instead some girl he didn't know was staring down at him, and she sat across from him in the corridor, looking concerned.

"Hello Baz." She greeted kindly, though there was a very audible amount of sorrow and sympathy in her voice that made him want to cry.

"Hello." He choked out, and immediately she hugged him again, enveloping him in a warm embrace that he couldn't even feel. He was numb and worried and he just wanted to see that Simon was alright.

Eventually she let go, and looked back at him. It was only then that he noticed the long white coat.

Of course. At first he had thought she was just a very caring fan but now of course he understood, she was the doctor. She was the one who had drawn the short straw to tell him.

"Is he-" He started, but couldn't finish. Cursing at the choking sob in his throat.

"No! No oh god no I'm sorry! Of course you would think that." She consoled him, practically face palming herself.

"Can I... Can I see him?" He asked, worried that in so short a time all of his clever remarks had gone down the drain.

"Of course, follow me." She said, and led him down the winding halls, the blaze of white blinding him so much that it was impossible to see.

Eventually they made it to the room. Baz laid eyes on the tiny boy in the bed, and rushed forwards, enveloping the boy in his arms.

Simon looked up at him, and ripped the oxygen mask of his face. Kissing Baz with fevour and whispering to him words of comfort and Baz's cheeks were lined with more and more tears.

"Shhh... Shh... I'm ok, you're ok, we're ok... I love you."

And of course Baz didn't believe him, but in that moment he just breathed him in, allowed his scent to wash over him.

"I'm fine Baz, just lack of oxygen to the brain."

"Any more tumours?" Baz demanded.

"No. Luckily for us they seem stubborn and want to stay where they are."

"All the more for us." Baz said, grinning, and Simon laughed, but the action caused his body to rattle with breaths that refused to cooperate with him.

Baz felt like his heart was forming back together after hours of worry but at the same time he could feel the fractures working it's way across the surface of his heart, a surface which had been unreachable before Simon had entered his life.

Simon was tired. After a few more minutes of kissing and whispering and hugging Simon settled into Baz's arms, and fell asleep.

* * *

Have you ever been in love with someone who's dying? It's destructive. It takes every part of you and makes you question whatever right you thought you had to be alive. Because you know that that person never deserved what they got and you wish you could protect them from the pain, but you can't.

So you wait. You take the angry blows they throw at you in their fury and fear of death because you love them.

You love them so desperately that it's hard to breathe, and you know this cancerous growth will spread and every minute instead of becoming precious becomes poisonous.

There's no hope. They're going to die.

And you know in that moment that you're dying. You're dying as irreversibly as they are and as irreversibly as your love for them is.

And before you know it, they're gone.

And so are you.


	5. Chapter 5-This is the truth

**A/N: Hey Guys. I am... ok. Love hurts, I know. But it hurts a little less when you feel a little love coming back to you. Sure they might be dying but I... both at the same time, have never been happier or in more pain. And I am, in a lot of pain. The whole idea of losing someone I care so much about really hurts, so much sometimes the idea makes me think I can't breathe. But sometimes you have to bleed to know you love someone. And I know, god I know, that that's what this is.**

 **Chapter dedicated to Morbid Targarondale your review made me smile, so I hope you enjoy this.**

Baz awoke the next morning with an ache in his neck. It took him a few moments to realise that he had fallen asleep with his neck propped up against the wall. As usual, the hospital bed wasn't big enough to accommodate the both of them.

Simon stirred slightly beside him, coughing lightly and painfully, winced with each convulsion of his throat. Baz wanted to call a nurse so badly. It ached his heart to see Simon in so much pain, but he forced himself not to hit the panic alarm and stay still, instead whispering sweet nothings in Simon's ear and holding him close.

When he finally stopped coughing, Simon groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, leaning into Baz's chest, trying to hide himself in the dark grey of his jumper and block the world out from his sensitive eyes.

"I love you." Simon whispered, the words coming out hoarse and wretched, his throat sore from coughing.

"Don't say that." Baz said, closing his eyes against the pain. It coursed through him like a knife through butter so much he wanted to scream for the grief and pain of it.

"Why not?"

"Because if you say that now, with no reason, it sounds like a goodbye... And I can't take that right now Simon, I mean, we both know I'm cold hearted and all, but still!" He forced a grin onto his face, though it seemed as though the happiness might cause his skin to fracture.

Simon said nothing.

* * *

 **Baz POV**

Eventually Simon was discharged. He was obviously a lot more scared though. He could see it now, the death that was coming towards him and didn't know how to cope. He never talked about it though.

 _I could see him deteriorating. In a selfish sort of way, I believed it was harder for me than him. Because I could see the person I loved most in the world dying. One day he was going to die, and I would be alone._

 _It was that sort of thing that caused me to stay up until 2 am every night, struggling to breathe because when in my nightmares Simon drowned from the fluid in his own lungs, I was drowning too. And there was no one left to save me._

* * *

The fans were over joyed of course, and while Simon slept I worked day and night on the book, mostly on the sections I knew Simon didn't want. He wanted it all to be happy about his death, to forget the pain, but that just isn't the truth.

This is the truth:

* * *

 _The pain is unbearable. It's this crushing weight and despite all the love I feel for him I can't handle the pain. I can't breathe, I can't move just let me go just let HIM GO._

 _I remember once, when I had had trouble falling asleep, Simon had told me this:_

 _Imagine a movie in your mind. Make sure your eyes are closed and the lights are off, you're all tucked in and comfy, and make up a mental image of something nice, but don't open your eyes. Eventually you'll fall asleep and you may possibly further dream about that topic, so make sure it's something happy._

 _At the time I had dismissed it. I had lied and said I had used that technique and it had made me sleep better. It was a very obvious lie, and of course he saw right through it._

 _But recently, Simon has been going to sleep earlier and earlier. He's tired. Sometimes he falls asleep on the sofa, and he has to take regular naps in order to function somewhat normally. This results in me going to bed by myself very often, and then it takes me a few hours to go to sleep._

 _So when I finally close my eyes, I imagine he's there sleeping next to me, healthy._

 _We're running away from the press after they saw us kiss for the first time._

 _We're staring up at the stars at 2 am talking about our future._

 _Stolen kisses, tears that no longer need to be shed._

 _He's healthy._

 _Of course it's fine while I'm dreaming, but I cant stop thetears when I wake._

 _And the worse thing is, I know he hears me. How do I know? Because he forces his own sobs to quiet just to listen to me._

 _I just want him to be better._

 **A/N: Reviews make me smile, was this too cheesy? I'm sorry if it was :)**


	6. Chapter 6-They Are Stronger Together

**A/N: You know when you have the urge to just not stop smiling? Yeah... Me too. Some people are amazing. And when you've been missing someone for days... And then they tell you they miss you more... and then you start planning how you'd spend your days together...**

 **I don't think I've been this happy or sad at the same time... I've never been in love... But if it doesn't feel like this then love needs redefining... It's pain and happiness all at once... And I think it's enough to kill someone you know.**

Simon awoke with tired at eyes at around 2 am in the morning. It had seemed to become some sort of schedule. He would wake up at 1 am or 2, and look around, but he was always alone.

The space beside him in bed was empty.

Of course he knew what Baz was doing; working on the book he was too tired to complete. And it hurt, it hurt that this legacy that he wanted to be his last thing to remain on earth, long after he and Baz were both dead, was becoming the child of other people, and he was simply profiting from their labours.

He knew he didn't have long. The time that was left was a constant sea of pain.

And Baz, of all people, understand the most. Of course he did.

He understood that I didn't want to be distracted.

I wasn't depressed, I wasn't gloomy, I wasn't moody, I was dying.

To most people dying seems to be this sort of romantic concept, the idea that those closest to you will eventually show their love for you because you're running out of time, but to me, it's always felt fake. Their love for you hasn't increased at all, they just realise they have to pack all the love they would have given you throughout your life into a short space of time, and that doesn't feel good.

It suffocates you. But Baz understood, and so we just took it. Every bit of pain, we endured. Together.

LINE BREAK

 _I am not a romance writer. I am neither a tragedy writer. Writers such as John Green and Jodi Picoult have brought to life the pain and anguish of those of us who are dying or who wish to die._

 _So I want to stress that I am not a tragedy writer. I am simply writing the last account of the man I love._

 _I don't want to do this. I must stress this. This is not a character that I have bestowed this terrible fate upon, but instead this is real._

 _All my life I have hidden behind words like a blanket in an apocalypse, but now I can't do that. Cancer is pain, but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else just to save my Simon. Because me Simon is strong, and he will beat this. He will beat this._

 _We will beat this._

Baz typed the last four words with a sense of finality so forceful that it physically hurt his fingers as he bruised them against the keyboard keys. This was by no means that last entry of the book, nor the best one, but it was the closest baz could get to an actually inspiring piece.

Because of course, he knew the truth. That Simon would of course die. He was just hoping for one more week.

One more day.

One more hour.

One more minute.

One more second of pain, a crushing pain and dread. And yet, he wouldn't let himself fall into depression, not that there was anything wrong with that, but rather, Simon wouldn't want that for him. He had words, and as long as he had those, he could bring Simon back to life. Again, and again, and again.

Because that's what words were. Life.

LINE BREAK

Simon trudged towards Baz's study, or more like stumbled, the sleepiness weighing down on him forcefully, causing a strange swagger to his gait. He went to knock on the door, but stopped himself when he heard the sound.

Heart wrenching sobs, and Baz hunched over the desk of their study rubbing his face with his hands, and Simon could see the glisten of tears under the dim light of the room, despite his tiredness.

"Baz?" He whispered tiredly, "What's wrong?"

Baz started and freaked out, groaning as he hit his leg against the desk as he struggled to turn around quickly at the unexpected sound.

Knowing Baz he probably thought it was some kind of ghost. No wonder Baz's books were so popular, his imagination always ran wild with his head.

Once Baz had stared straight at Simon for a few minutes he seemed to calm down, clearly deciding that Simon was in fact, not a ghost.

"I'm fine. What are you doing up? It's 2am!"

"I could ask you the same question!"

Baz thought about it for a moment, "Yes... I suppose you could..." He admitted.

Simon just stared back in silence, waiting for an explanation for the tears he was now wiping off of Baz's cheeks. He took Baz's hands in his.

"Baz. Love. What's happened?" He whispered quietly, holding Baz hands up to his lips softly.

"Come here. You're not going to believe this." Baz said, leading home over to the computer.

It didn't take Simon long to recognise the blue and white layout of twitter. Baz was scrolling through the tags he had recently been tweeted in. And some of them came up thousands of times:

#SimonSnowLives

#TogetherTheyAreStrong

#ReasonsWeLoveSimonSnow

Baz wrapped an arm around Simon's waist, holding him close.

"Now do you believe me? You're not worthless. These tag s have been cropping up all over the place ever since you collapsed. People care about you Snow. No one more than me." Baz said, though it was obvious he was tired; as he was listing to the side.

"You need to be in bed Baz..." Simon whispered, as Baz leaned heavily on him.

"No... I'm working on a chapter..." Baz mumbled.

"You can finish it in the morning, now come on!"

He struggled a little under Baz's weight, using the wall to help support him, before dropping Baz unceremoniously on the bed where Baz wrapped the covers around himself like a cocoon, and promptly fell asleep. Simon had to struggle for a few minutes to get the covers free from his grasp so he could wrap them around himself.

He lay still for a minute, just staring at Baz's face, all signs of wear and tiredness faded away.

Simon could almost imagine what Baz dreamed about. Stories of dragons and pirates and adventure, a black flag, or magic... Things Simon couldn't even begin to comprehend.

He stroked his hands against Baz's face, kissed along the bottom of his jaw, and Baz twitched in his sleep, making Simon smile.

And in that moment, he didn't feel sick. He didn't feel tired, he felt inspired.

So he got up from the bed and headed to the lounge, because he knew he couldn't sleep until his creative juices were allowed to flow completely.

LINE BREAK

Simon plucked the strings of his guitar softly. He had been struggling with which chords to use for a while, and eventually settled on something simple and meaningful.

The camera was set up and recorder ready to go, so as he started them up, he began to sing:

Each day is longer than the last

But sometimes I wish each hour didn't go quite so fast.

There's no time to cope,

Nothing left but hope,

The day just isn't short enough.

The day isn't short enough,

The night isn't long enough,

Breathing's never strong enough,

Thinking's never good enough,

Living's never real enough.

Dying's never close enough.

I hide inside a reality that isn't real,

There's no escape from what I feel,

The exhaustion,

I'm just. So. Tired. But I have to try,

Have to hide.

The night isn't long enough

The day isn't short enough,

The night isn't long enough,

Breathing's never strong enough,

Thinking's never good enough,

Living's never real enough.

Dying's never close enough.

And maybe one day I'll be able to breathe,

I'll have time to believe,

But when you spend more time thinking than breathing,

You know that living's just a waste of breath.

But eventually days will be too long, perhaps that moment has come,

Soon nights will be too short,

Breathing will finally be strong enough,

And I can think and cope,

And live and hope.

And maybe then finally that's when it all disappears.

For a while.

LINE BREAK

 **A/N: This song is original, don't worry it's not been taken from anywhere, I couldn't do that. I'm... I'm ok. I had the most beautiful conversation today. Have you ever had that feeling where all you've wanted is to be with someone? And when they say things to you... You just melt... The whole world melts away... And I know I'm in pain.. But I wouldn't give it up.**

 **I wouldn't trade it for all the money or happiness in the world. Not for this moment. Ever.**

 **I'm sorry... I'll stop ranting... a review would mean a lot. Thank you all so much, and this isn't over don't worry :)**


	7. Chapter 7- I DEFY YOU STARS

_The room is hexagonal, Baz thinks, though maths was never his forte. In fact, now that he thinks about it his maths teachers hated him really. Mostly because someone wrote 'The chamber of secrets is open' all over the walls of the science blocks, and no matter how many times Baz had tried to tell them, there was no way in hell they were going to believe him._

 _He struggles to sit up, looking around the room. There's a door on each wall, but they don't open. It's very obvious that Alice in Wonderland is what made him dream up this scene._

 _He looks down at his feet again, he doesn't know why, and sees that the room is beginning to fill with water. Very quickly._

 _Time passes irregularly in dreams. Sometimes something can feel like an eternity and sometimes like it's the fastest thing in the world- that if you blink you'll miss it. Such was the way with the water, that when the room began to fill, Baz only had to blink for it to have reached his stomach, and only had to blink again for it to have reached up to his nose._

 _When his nose was covered, he started to panic, and panicked twice the more so when the ground fell from under him._

 _He struggled to the surface, coughing and spluttering in surprise, this was not good._

* * *

Simon felt awfully sad once the video was uploaded, telling the truth to a camera... It was almost like he had poured out every emotion in his body, and he slumped into one of the dining room chairs in exhaustion, rubbing his face with his hands. He was so sick of this, both in the literal sense and in the metaphorical one. He was so sick of playing sad songs and thinking awful thoughts and just being sad in general.

Sometimes he wished he would just die to end the pain.

"I don't want to sing a sad song." He whispered to himself, and tapped his hands against the table. He knew he should sleep, it was constantly being drilled into him.

But as he looked up from his hands, he looked across the long table, and spotted a bottle of wine. Clearly, it had never been opened, and Simon found it even scarier that this bottle of wine might live longer in this house than he would.

Simon was willing to bet a substantial amount of money that this was the first bottle with which Baz would drown his sorrows. Even though he knew Baz wasn't that much of a drinker, (he liked whiskey) Simon knew Baz would eventually try anything at all, both out of desperation and also because he would be curious.

Baz's curiosity was not like Simon's, it was one of the few aspects of Baz which had less common sense than Simon did. Where Baz's curiosity was wild and curious and reckless and dangerous, Simon's was irritating, a nagging sensation in the back of his head that wouldn't go away until the place explored, the question answered, and all possible outcomes thought about in turn.

He picked up the bottle with shaky hands, swirling the liquid slowly, as he watched it shine against the dim light, the thought struck him that with his clumsiness it would be possible that he could burn the house down.

Honestly, he doubted it would surprise anyone at this point, and there was a lit candlestick on the table, in the centre of it. Just some wine spilling and some knocking over of the candle would do it.

Just one little move and all of this would go up in flames. But he couldn't do that. Baz was here.

* * *

 _Once Baz has regained his breath, he has the sudden urge to dive beneath the crashing water, and does so. What he sees below, is horrifying._

 _There is Simon Snow slumbering peacefully below him, slowly falling further and further beneath the surface, but he's too far for Baz to reach._

 _Baz flounders, and forces himself above ground, take a breath, dive back down, can't reach._

 _Again and again and again, and he's exhausted._

 _But the room keeps filling with water and JUST when he's snagged onto Snow's hand, it fills completely, and there's nowhere to go._

 _They're dead._

 _And with that thought, Baz feels himself pass out._

 _The dream is over._

 _Except the only difference is he's waking up into a different personal hell. And it's so much worse than any dream he could ever have thought of._

 _It's so much worse than the tale of tragedy and woe of fair Juliet and her Romeo._

 _It's so much worse than anything._

 _The only thing worse is the pain that forces itself into his heart and lungs every time he breathes. The only difference between his pain and Simon's is that Simon's will kill him quickly._

 _Baz can feel his making a home for itself._

* * *

Unlike in dreams, the night passes evenly, as do the next 3 days.

Simon always drifts back to that night when Baz was asleep though, and when he was very much awake. He remembers Baz's twitching, but most importantly, he remembers the gasping.

Everything else he could deal with, the crying? No problem. The whimpers? Sure! But the gasping?

The gasping was like a horrific mockery of their misfortune, and it drove Simon crazy. Baz woke up struggling for breath, and pushed himself up, hand on his chest, just over his heart as he struggled to regain the air he so desperately needed.

This happened a lot lately, and Baz would make a joke out of it, and they would go back to sleep, and never speak of it again.

It wasn't like that was how Simon wanted it, but that was how Baz wanted it, and therefore that was what they did. Very much lately, the ball was in Baz's court. Simon was dying of course, any decisions made by him would affect Baz's future, and Baz's future alone, and so therefore, Simon conceded that decisions should mostly be made by Baz.

And oh, did Baz exploit that opportunity.

It was like he had this free get out card of any situation.

3 days since that night, 3 days of mostly peace. It was almost... normal. Baz retreating to his study for long periods of time, depriving himself of sleep and over drinking coffee, and Simon reading the works with a critical eye, and all of these little things that they've missed.

But Simon can see the truth behind the coffee and the worn, bleary eyes. It's not that Baz is so busy that he can't sleep. It's that Baz is making himself so busy to make _sure_ he can't sleep.

And that was enough.

 _This has to stop._

* * *

It wasn't like it was a conscious decision. It wasn't like he chose to do it, to slip away, but it was almost like he couldn't not do it.

At the end, it was like he didn't have a choice at all, actually.

He didn't get into bed though. That felt too much like a finality. Like there was no way he was moving, that that was it. He clutched his chest as he lay down slowly on the sofa, trying to lie as still as possible despite the pure undiluted pain in his chest, and also the aching feeling just behind his ribs, like he needed to click a muscle there, but couldn't.

He sighed in anguish. How long was this going to take? He was so done. Stop inflicting pain on those I love. JUST LET ME DIE.

Baz let out a disgruntled noise as he felt himself awake. His neck hurt. How long had he been asleep at his desk?

He looked out the window, and sure enough, it was dark out.

Clearly long enough, he observed. It was likely Snow had already gone to bed by now. The illness always meant he fell asleep before Baz even thought about it.

Still, he should probably check Snow wasn't still awake waiting for him.

* * *

The best part of it was the release of pain. It was as if all the feeling left his body in a slow flood. The pain in his lungs, he knew, should burn him and cause him to splutter for breath, but instead, a sense of overwhelming calm hit him. He would be gone, and no one would get hurt.

Of course, if everything was ideal, he would have preferred to live out the rest of his life in comfort. To have never gotten ill, to find out who his real parents were.

It seemed the illness was unforgiving that way, as if it had just decided that today was the day Simon Snow finally died.

And it was a marvellous day, he had seen it, the sunrise this morning, and the sunset this evening. He had the best breakfast of cherry scones this morning, and a day of doing nothing at all.

All in all, he decided, this was not a bad day to die.

* * *

Imagine the sight. That which greeted Basilton Pitch in the early morning hours was one that he would never forget. At the time, he had just assumed that Simon was sleeping, as men and women and children often do.

The sense of denial sometimes occurs even before the circumstance is found out. It is our mind's way of protecting ourselves, not that it has helped many.

Baz didn't even realise until he went to wake Simon up.

There was nothing. The warmth was still there, but no pulse, no heartbeat. There was no life, there was no Simon Snow.

And in that moment, there truly was nothing at all.

And of course there is never such a line that would have graced Basilton Pitch's great mind like that of;

" **I DEFY YOU STARS**." He screamed, but he knew there was no one to hear. It was like there was a vacuum on his voice, perhaps there was. After all, the only way people ever listened to him was through words on a page. Perhaps that was why Romeo came to his mind in this moment. Of perhaps it was the idea that the stars shouldn't be allowed to exist, when a star such as them had just fallen from his sky.

* * *

 **A/N: Um. Please don't kill me. Do you want more? And please review this just so I know if it's ok because I literally hate it guys... Help. This whole thing is just so cheesy to me I can't... Did it seem truthful at all? Like... A lot of this is my own thought, so I'd like to know what you thought. Oh yes! That's what I wanted to say! THERE IS A SPIN OFF TO THIS! Yeah-huh! It's called 'this is the truth' and you would be stars (sorry too soon?) if you would read it? And tell me if you liked it? It's like a sequel but different, and if this made you cry I think that might do the trick too. Sorry, sorry, i'll go now. Please don't cry.**

 **Please.**

 **I'm sorry.**


	8. Chapter 8-WHAT IF I?

**A/N: If this isn't clear to anybody, I'll be happy to explain, ut in all honesty, I don't know how readily I would re write this chapter. Please leave a review with your interpretation. Thank you.**

The room is dark, no light can stand to illuminate it. The couch is cold, and the bed sheets folded. Around you, around my hopes, my dreams, my everything.

The table is still set for two.

I'm wondering; "Where are you?"

"Where did you go? Where did you live? _Did_ you live? Or did you just die?"

The piano notes drift into the air at your funeral. I can barely stand to be there, your fans suffocate me with their 'sorry's' and condolences.

I remember seeing you with your eyes shut, the life from you gone, your soul, faded into the air, and now we'll all be breathing it in.

Your honest soul, so beautiful.

I'm wondering; "where are you now?"

When I close my eyes... I wish I could see you.

One more time.

I wish I could end it all. Because now all I am is a broken carcass, and it's just you and I in here, for one last time.

Where you are.

Where you are is inside me.

* * *

It's my last night in town and the air is brown, or at least it will be until I wear again my crown of shame, then it will be no colour at all.

I dart around and the leaves fall down, the reds and oranges falling across my features. I don't want to do this, but I can't choose the way every trail looks the same.

"Why am I still fine?"

What if I? What if I? What if I?

When I close my eyes, I wish I could feel you, one more time.

In my broken carcass it's just you and I for one last time, where you are.

What if I?

Maybe memories will keep me alive, but I don't care.

Where you are... I know where you are. And soon I'll be there too.

So when I close my eyes... I wish I could find you.

One more time.

In my broken carcass it'll be just you and I for one last time.

Where you are.

Where you are.

Where I am.

What if I?

Say Goodbye.

What if I?

What if I?

What if I?

Jump.

What if I?

Fall.

What if I?


End file.
